Recovering from bulimia

This year, particularly the month of January, marks four years since my last purge, signifying an important milestone in my struggle with bulimia.

My experience with bulimia began in 2014, when I was 14 years old. My illness evolved from occasional purges to a daily ordeal that consumed every aspect of my life. By the time I was 18 and at university, I was purging over 10 times a day, including after every meal and anything in between.

Bulimia is a very secretive illness. I planned my binges and purges around when I would be alone in my university house. If people were home, I would disguise it by purging in the shower or turning taps whilst I was being in the toilet so that nobody would hear. I would buy large amounts of food (mostly sweet stuff) and hide it in my room ready to consume, only to purge within a matter of minutes afterwards. I ate like ‘normal’ around my family and friends and nobody suspected a thing.

Coping mechanism

My diagnosis in 2018 was an unexpected wake-up call. Despite how controlled I was by the illness, I didn’t actually realise I had an eating disorder. Bulimia, for me, wasn’t solely about weight loss. Whilst it started as an attempt to lose weight due to my body image issues, it became a coping mechanism for feeling out of control in my personal life.

To me, it was just a normal way to cope with the difficult emotions I was experiencing due to depression and anxiety (both of which I had been diagnosed with before uni). I was oblivious to the severity of my illness until a routine doctor’s visit revealed the toll it was taking on my body. Physically, my digestive system suffered; my heart and liver were weakened; I was severely anaemic, tired all the time and had episodes of fainting.

I didn’t actually realise I had an eating disorder. Bulimia, for me, wasn’t solely about weight loss.

Moment of self-realisation

Having had poor experiences with the university doctors when confiding in them about my other mental illnesses, I was shocked when the doctor I saw sprang into action. I was referred for further tests, given iron supplements to help with the anaemia and, most importantly, referred to eating disorder therapy with a charity that was local to my university.

After a year and a half of therapy, the time between my purges was increasing but I was still struggling to find healthy ways to cope with my emotions and low self-worth. The turning pointing my recovery was in a moment of self-realisation after a night of excessive drinking at uni (another way I used to cope with my intense emotions). 

I woke up disoriented and grappling with hangover anxiety. I found myself hunched over the toilet, thinking I cannot continue this way. I went to therapy that day and decided to go ‘full in’ to my recovery.

Safety net in tough times

Recovery isn’t a one size fits all, nor is it an easy process. The most crucial step for me was getting a diagnosis and actually acknowledging I had a problem. My therapist truly saved my life: whilst he was primarily helping me with my eating disorder, he also helped me deal with the emotions that were contributing to it, such as my anxiety and suicidal ideation.

I cannot express how important the role my family and friends played in my recovery too. I am extremely lucky to have family and friends who did not judge me when I told them that I had been struggling and who provided a safety net during some of the toughest times in my life.

You are not alone

My message to anyone struggling with an eating problem, diagnosed or not, is to try not to feel embarrassed or ashamed.

One thing I have learnt during my recovery is that it is not a linear process. Whilst I am very proud to say I have not purged in four years, I still struggle with the urges every day; it is a constant battle, but the urges are less powerful that they used to be and perhaps I am stronger too.

My message to anyone struggling with an eating problem, diagnosed or not, is to try not to feel embarrassed or ashamed. For years I have felt this way about my eating disorder (especially as I don’t look like the ‘typical’ person with an eating disorder). I hope sharing my story will inspire other people to do the same and will give comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

We’re extremely grateful to Emily for sharing her story. Finding out about others’ experience can often be the first step towards feeling less lonely and seeking help. If you, or someone you know, may need help with an eating problem, you can find more information on our website.