For many children, helping them get back to their usual routine and activities is the right thing to do. But it can take some time for life to return to normal.
Routines are helpful in establishing a safe and predictable space. Having these predictable routines is useful, especially after experiencing something which was intense and unpredictable.
Having routines can also create the space to work with your child to explore trauma-related emotions.
So, it is important to gradually return to normal, as well as maintaining previous expectations of acceptable behaviour, for example around manners, bedtime and screen-time
These routines can include things that your child did before and may find difficult now, for example, going to school or getting to sleep.
Your child may find it difficult to do things they did before – especially when certain places or activities remind them of their experience.
It is challenging, but really important, for your child to face their fears. Slowly taking on challenges can help them learn new coping skills and return to normal.
The good news is that, with time and patience, it is completely possible to go back to normal.
It’s normal and okay for your child to feel scared at first. Once they start to see what they can achieve and realise that they can be safe, things should become easier.
Be prepared for ups and downs –- sometimes it may seem like you take a step backwards. Be patient and keep focused on what you have achieved.
Below is a diagram outlining the cycle linking symptoms and avoidance.
Your child may feel afraid to face fears, which can lead to physical sensations, for example feeling shaky, increased heartbeat, nightmares), unhelpful thoughts, for example "I can’t do this", "I will never be normal again" and they may fall back onto avoiding doing certain things. This can prevent them from learning that they are capable of facing fears and overcoming unhelpful thoughts.
As a parent, you are in a key position to safely support them and break this cycle.
As a parent or carer, you are a great role model and source of support for your child. You can work with your child to gradually build up to a goal for example, going back to school, going to a certain place associated with the experience, meeting friends, etc.
Children can also learn from others’ reactions. So, if you are displaying anxiety around facing fears or feeling emotions, they may tune into this and take on these patterns themselves. This can keep both your and your child’s fears and worries going.
So, it is important to notice your own emotions and take care of yourself, so that you can support your child and can empower them to face their fears.
Feeling overprotective of your child, especially after a frightening experience, is completely understandable. It is natural to want to keep your child safe and prevent difficult feelings from coming up.
It can be difficult to see your child upset when they face their fears and you may feel you are being kind or protecting your child by allowing them to avoid certain things, —for example, talking about the trauma or going to school.
However, by preventing this, your child may not be able to learn from new experiences and gain coping skills to return to normal.
This can also give the message that there is something to fear or that they will be unable to cope.
It is important that through these experiences, they can learn that they are safe, that the scary experience is in the past, and that they are able to cope.
Evidence shows that it is better to encourage them to face their fears, if it is safe for them to do so.
It is different for every child. If they were physically injured, you may have to wait until they are well enough to get back to their normal activities before you go ahead.
It is also a good idea to wait a few weeks to allow your child to get to grips with what has happened in their own way.
You could start talking about what happened in the meantime and find out how your child feels about it. Talking about their experience is part of supporting them to face their fears.
For example:
Once your child feels able to face their fears, you can work together to build goals.
You can head to the 'goal setting' activity to learn more about how you can set goals with your child, and what they can look like.
Goal setting Goal setting (blank version to fill in)A gradual approach is best. This allows your child to slowly face their fears and start with smaller, more manageable situations.
Over time, they can build up their confidence according to steps which both of you think are realistic and manageable.
This is something that you can work on together and is a great opportunity for your child to talk about their fears and worries and feel more in control over what can be a daunting process.
Goal: work out what they are afraid of following the event. What needs to change for them to get back to normal? What do they think will happen if they get anxious or scared?
Steps: break down the goal into smaller steps. Start with things they find quite easy and move gradually towards things they find harder.
Progressing: make sure they feel confident at each step before moving on to the next one. You might have to spend a bit of time on each one, especially as they get harder.
Rewards: you may like to include small rewards, especially for younger children, that they get when each goal is reached.
Review: go back over your child’s goals regularly and point out progress, even if it is only a small change, for example, in how easy they find one of their steps.
It is normal for children to feel distressed when facing their fears, no matter which step they are at. If they display intense emotions and feel scared or anxious, try using relaxation techniques, such as the ones covered in 'Managing Difficult Feelings'.
You can ask your child what is making them feel worried. What do they think will happen? This can be a chance for them to express their thoughts, explore why certain emotions or thoughts are coming up, and you can work with them to rationalise them.
Over time, certain cues will be less likely to trigger these intense emotions.
Examples of setting goals and facing fears:
Sophie is seven years old and had a very bad accident at the park, which involved falling from a significant height. Since then, she has not wanted to go back to the park, which means she's starting to miss out on outings with her siblings and parties with her friends.
Step 1 - A parent or carer drives Sophie to the park. Parent sits in the car with her, and they look out of the window for a while.
Step 2 - A parent or carer and Sophie get out of the car and stand by the fence or boundary, without going to the park
Step 3 - Sophie plays in the park with a parent or carer close by.
Step 4 - Sophie plays in the park. A parent or carer watches from a distance, as they would have before the accident.
Joe is 13 years old and was in a very bad car accident with his family. Since then, Joe hasn't wanted to go in a car. He either refuses or on occasions when he has gone in the car, will become very distressed and anxious.
Joe’s goal: To feel comfortable in a car.
Here's how his parents might help him work through his fears step-by-step:
Step 1 - A parent or carer sits with Joe in car without going anywhere.
Step 2 - Joe sits in the back of a car with someone while a parent or carer drives around the local streets.
Step 3 - Joe sits in the back of a car by himself while a parent or carer drives around the local streets.
Step 4 - Joe sits in the back by himself. A parent or carer takes him for a longer drive including some faster roads.
Other people can also support your child as they return to 'normal'.
For example, returning to school can be challenging. It might be helpful to talk to your child’s teachers to let them know what happened.
Whilst routine and returning to school is important, it can be challenging. Children may feel anxious during the day or may not be able to complete schoolwork like before. It might be helpful for teachers to know what happened. You could discuss designating a safe space for the child during the school day.
It is important that you or other people don't treat your child as changed, or draw too much attention to what happened. They just need a little more care or time.
Sometimes, other people might be overprotective or say things which may be intrusive. For example, if your child was in a road traffic accident, and someone asks, "Are you sure you really want to get in the car?"
When this happens, it might be helpful to have a quick chat with the person. Let them know that you appreciate their concern and love, but what they said wasn't helpful. The best thing they can do is be supportive and open if the child wants to talk about what happened or how they are feeling.
Re-establishing night-time routines or creating new ones is a great way to support your child. This can be really helpful if your child is experiencing nightmares, or trouble sleeping.
Sleep quality is important for both children and adults, as it can really set the stage for how one feels the next day.
Here are some tips on how you can make your child’s night-time routine a comforting space where feel safe:
Have a warm bath
Reduce screens and bright lights. Instead, use lava lamps, night lights, or glow-in-the dark stars on the ceiling
Do some relaxing breathing before bed
Reading a calming or positive story with them before bed
Spray their pillow with relaxing oils (“magic dreaming dust”) for example lavender, chamomile, or jasmine
Play relaxing music or lullabies
Building this routine can be a nice thing to involve your child in.
Would you like to pick out your pyjamas?
Shall we pick out a nice story to read?
Do you want to listen to a lullaby?
Do you want to put on your night-light?
This can let them have some control over their surroundings and create a night-time space which feels safe and nurturing.
This can also be a great time to check in with your own sleep quality and help you calm down.
If your child struggles with their night-time routine or sleep. It can be helpful to keep a sleep diary to track what went well and progress with building a routine.
The worksheet is a template – feel free to create your own which is specific to your child’s routine and needs.
There are a few things to be aware of and to check if your child is struggling to sleep:
Temperature: is your child’s bedroom too warm or too cold?
Light: is there too much light coming in? Or is the room too dark?
Noise: is there any noise which may be disrupting your child’s sleep? Can you block out sounds from traffic or conversations? Or does your child sleep with some noise for example sleep sounds, white noise, etc?
Tiredness: is your child tired enough before bed? Can you reduce day-time naps? Can you reduce screen-time before bed?
Toilet: is your child needing the loo at night? Can you reduce the number of drinks before bed?
Routine: is there a regular bed-time? Routine is really important to regulate circadian rhythms and train the body into sleeping at the same time every day.
Fears and worries can often pop up when we are trying to sleep.
If your child is consistently expressing that they are having a lot of thoughts before bed, try scheduling some worry time during the day.
This can give your child some dedicated time to express their anxiety, and you can work together to rationalise and make sense of their worries.
You can learn more about how to discuss fears and worries in 'Creating Space to Talk'.
You can use these activities to guide you and your child in setting goals and breaking them down into small, manageable steps.
Goal setting can be a chance for both of you to think of where you want to get to, and what you would like to achieve. This can be a chance to track progress and see how things are progressing.
It is a good thing to set these goals with your child, if they are ready to have that conversation. It is best to understand what they are struggling with, and what is manageable for them. Some questions to explore goals include:
What are you finding difficult which you didn’t before the accident?
What are you missing out on due to your fears?
If you weren’t feeling upset or anxious, what would you be doing that you’re not at the moment?
When you have a good idea what the goals could be, you can now make sure that they are SMART:
Specific: is it clear what my child has to do?
Measurable: can we easily measure progress?
Achievable: is my child able to achieve this?
Realistic: is this a realistic goal for my child?
Time-frame: is there a realistic time frame which my child can achieve this by?
The ultimate goal, for example to return to school fulltime, may be too much to begin with. Therefore, it is best to start small and break this into, smaller SMART goals:
Short - term: e.g., attend school for half a day
Medium term: e.g. attend school for one whole day
Long term: e.g. attend school full time
For each goal, you can reflect on progress. How did your child get along? Is there anything they found difficult? Is there anything they did great?
You can click below for a worksheet to fill in, or you can make your own.
Goal setting Goal setting (blank version to fill in)The 'goal ladder' is a step-by-step approach to facing fears.
Here, your child’s ‘ultimate goal’ is broken down into smaller steps (perhaps identified from the ‘goal setting’ activity). You can choose as many or as little steps as you and your child feel are manageable. It is best to do this with your child to give them some control over something which can be anxiety-provoking.
The key thing is that each step gets progressively more challenging. Steps are graded from least to most anxiety-provoking. As each step is completed, they can be repeated or revised and broken down into smaller ones. This task should encourage your child to slowly face their fears, but to do so in a way which is manageable.
Each step is also paired with a reward, which you can choose together with your child. This can keep your child motivated and have something to look forward to.
You can review each step:
How did you find it? How scary did you find it?
What do you think went well?
How do you feel about the next step?
You can print off the goal ladder below or make your own.
Goal ladder Goal ladder (blank version to fill in)