Creating space to talk

Giving your child the opportunity to talk to you is important in helping them – and you – to process what has happened. This section is about how to create a space where your child feels comfortable to talk about their experience and their feelings.

Why is talking about the experience important?

  1. Making sense of memories 

It is normal for children to have confusing memories about the event, and uncertainty about what happened and how they are feeling. It is important to open up discussion to help your child make sense of the event so they can have the mental space and clarity to communicate. 

  1. Putting it in the past 

Talking about the event is also important to help put the event in the past, which can help your child to move on and learn that they are safe. 

  1. Reduce feelings of shame 

Opening up the conversation can be a great way to let them know their feelings are normal and not shameful and will not last forever. 

  1. Rethink unhelpful thoughts 

Allowing your child to discuss their experience and any thoughts is a chance to correct any unhelpful thoughts about the event or how they are feeling. They may have unhelpful thoughts about:  

  • The event e.g., ‘What if it happens again?’ 

  • Their recovery e.g., ‘I will never be the same again’ 

  • Themselves e.g., ‘Why did this happen to me?’  

Take some time to explore how they are feeling and what they are thinking and identify these unhelpful thoughts. You can practice the ‘thought challenging’ activity below. 

  1. Reduce  distress  

Revisiting memories of the event can be difficult for both your child and you and trigger some intense emotions. Exploring memories and making sense of them can reduce distress and help the memory seem less scary. 

Over time, the memory will have less power over your child, and they can better tolerate any trauma- related reminders or triggers. This can help them have control over the experience and their feelings. 

When talking with your child, it is best to take it at their pace and ensure feelings of safety and comfort. 

Talking with your child

Why is avoiding discussion unhelpful?

Sometimes parents might avoid talking to their child about what they experienced, because they are worried about upsetting them. But creating space to talk about what happened can be a useful way to help them overcome their distress, even if it is difficult at first.  

If your child wants to talk about the traumatic experience, it is a good idea to let them.  

Avoiding talking can send the wrong message. Your child may think they shouldn’t talk about what happened. Or they may imagine that it was too awful to talk about.  

Don’t just wait for your child to come to you, but also don't force them to talk. The important thing is to make it clear that it is okay to talk and try to be open and available. That way your child understands that the traumatic experience is something that they can talk about with you. 

A metal watering can pouring water

What if my child doesn’t want to talk?

This is quite common, so try not to be offended.  

Some children choose not to talk about the traumatic experience because they don’t want to upset their parents. Some, who are coping well, may simply not want to go over it again. Others are not yet ready to talk. If this applies to your child, ask them how they are feeling and make sure they know you are there when they do feel able to open up.  

You may find yourself asking your child questions but getting little or nothing back. Again, this is common. Continue to ask open questions and remind your child that you are available and ready to listen when they are ready. 

If your child finds talking about what happened too difficult you cannot - and should not - force them. Instead, you could: 

  • Consider whether there’s someone else they could talk to another family member, trusted close friend, or teacher who they have a good relationship with. 

  • Let your child know you are there for them if they need you. 

  • Some children might like to draw what happened or write it down. 

How can I start the conversation?

It can be difficult to find the ‘perfect’ time to talk about the traumatic event or how your child is feeling.

The important thing to keep in mind is to make sure that the environment is one where they feel safe enough to talk, and that you are able to take care of them if they get upset or overwhelmed. 

Sometimes, it can be helpful to have a dedicated time to sit down and talk with your child. This can be planned with your child, or you can pick a time when you feel as though your child has the capacity to talk. Or your child may approach you themselves.  

For children who avoid talking about it, you can talk at times when the focus is less on the worries, for example, when you are in the car, walking the dog, cooking, or shopping. This can mean that they feel less ‘put on the spot’. 

Some ways to initiate a conversation include:  

  • How have you been feeling since the event?  

  • Is there anything that you would like to talk about?  

  • How are you doing? 

How do I talk to my child?

  • Keep the conversation open - let them tell you how they are feeling – try to avoid labelling or telling them what they are feeling. And make sure your own feelings are not getting in the way – if they are, you may find it helpful to talk to loved ones or a professional about your own feelings. 

  • Keep it at their pace and be aware of their emotions – be aware of cues (verbal, facial, or body language) to determine whether they are ready to talk about certain memories or feelings. 

  • Start with discussing how your child is feeling - then you can build up to specific, scarier parts of the experience or more difficult emotions. 

The main goal here is to help the child make sense of: 

  • What happened 

  • What they are experiencing 

  • And to identify and reframe any unhelpful thoughts. 

Tip: 

Try to use questions they can’t answer with a straight ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Open questions can get them talking and help you understand their point of view. 

long grass blowing in the wind

What are some questions I can ask?

Sometimes it may be helpful to help your child find words for their strong feelings, especially if they are younger. 

Remember to keep your child’s age in mind and use language which they are able to understand. Here are some examples: 

  • What do you remember about what happened?  

  • How did you feel about it at the time?  

  • What were you thinking when it happened?  

  • Why do you think it happened?  

  • How do you feel about it now?  

  • What are you worried about right now?  

It is important to communicate in a manner which is clear, curious and kind, and to respect how they are feeling and what they are saying. Try not to judge your child’s actions or feelings. 

Focus on asking and listening and give them the opportunity to disagree. 

Is there anything I can say to help? 

The main thing is to be there and to listen. However, after a bad experience, it is quite common for children to feel more vulnerable, feel as though they are changed for the worse in some way, or as if the world is more dangerous than before.  

You can help by: 

  • Reminding your child that they are safe and that the traumatic event is over. 

  • Helping them to see that the world has not changed, and they are still safe. 

  • Encouraging them not to blame themselves, for example, help them understand they didn’t cause what happened, or that everyone makes mistakes. 

  • Rethink any unhelpful thoughts for example, thinking that the same thing is likely to happen again, or that they didn’t cope well. 

  • Reassuring them that feeling bad after a traumatic event doesn't mean they will feel that way forever. 

  • Let them know that these feelings are normal (e.g. “I would be feeling scared if I went through what you did”). 

  • Focusing on the positives of what happened and praise them for things they did well and any coping strategies they used. 

How can I make the conversation less scary?

Sometimes, especially for younger children, having a conversation
may be difficult. In this case, you can encourage your child to express their feelings and memories through other media.

For example: 

  • Painting 

  • Play 

  • Storytelling 

  • Using puppets to express how they feel 

  • Making a ‘worry box’ or book to record their thoughts in 

This can make the discussion less scary or even less boring. You can also follow up conversations with a little reward, especially after a discussion which may be particularly difficult. 

multicoloured paint on a flat surface

What if my child becomes distressed?

The best thing you can do here is to validate their emotions and reassure them that it is okay to feel upset and that they will not feel this way forever. 

Try to stay together and talk until you are both feeling OK, rather than stopping or avoiding the conversation. 

Rather than avoiding the conversation altogether, soothe them so that they can be ready to talk through it again. Either shortly after, or at another time. 

Remember you’re not expected to be a therapist. If your child seems overwhelmed by their distress, it can help to seek support. Contact your GP if you are worried about your child’s reactions or feel you could do with professional help. 

sunflowers in a field

How can my child respond to others?

As your child returns to 'normal life', people might ask questions about what happened. This can be stressful for your child. So, it might be helpful to prepare some responses to questions your child might be asked.  

As your child becomes more able and comfortable discussing what happened and how they are feeling with you, you could work together and have some responses ready. They could use these if they are questioned by others for example friends, or family members. Some questions you can think about are: 

  • What happened? 

  • How are you feeling? 

  • When will you get better? 

They don’t have to use these responses. Sometimes just knowing they are prepared can ease anxiety or anticipation.  

Activities

Below are a couple of activities you can try. The goal of these activities is to notice any worries or unhelpful thoughts your child may be having, and how you can work with your child to rethink these unhelpful thoughts.

Click on the sections below to learn more about these techniques.  

You can work with your child to create a ‘worry log’. This be done during a dedicated ‘worry time’ during the day. 

Having a dedicated worry time can be helpful if your child struggles with anxious thoughts throughout the day or when they are trying to sleep. 

This way, rather than spending all day worrying about it, they can be encouraged to ‘postpone the worry’ until a specific time when you can both sit together and talk. 

This worry time can be between 10-15 minutes, or longer if they would like. You can ask things like: 

  • What are you worried about? 

  • What is frightening you? 

  • What do you think will happen? 

The prompts in the worksheet can encourage exploration of these thoughts, and you can work with your child to also think of some strategies they can use when they feel these worries coming on for example relaxation techniques, affirmations, journalling. 

This can also be paired with activity two which will help your child to rethink these unhelpful thoughts. 

You can also use this for yourself, if you are having your own unhelpful thoughts. 

Worry Log

Thought challenging means identifying whether your thoughts are helpful or unhelpful, and if they are unhelpful, questioning them.

Thought challenging can be a powerful way to rethink unhelpful thoughts your child may be having. Here, you can sit down with your child and do the following: 

  1. Identify any unhelpful and negative thoughts, for example, “The world is unsafe” 

  2. Question the thought: is the thought realistic? What evidence is there for and against this thought? Is this thought based on fear or on fact? How likely is this ‘worst case scenario’?  

  3. Judge the thought: is there a more helpful thought which can replace the unhelpful thought?  

As your child has been through a frightening experience, some worries may be based in truth but worry and anxiety extend them beyond their logical boundaries. So, it is important to help your child recognise this and perhaps come up with a more helpful and realistic thought.  

For example: 

  • Thought: I will never be the same again.  

  • Evidence for: I was injured and am feeling really anxious.  

  • Evidence against: People also go through similar things and feel better afterwards.,  

  • More helpful thought: I may be having a difficult time right now, but this is temporary, and I am safe and supported. I will get better with time.  

You can work through some of these prompts with your child using the sheet linked below.

Thought Challenging

Learn more about supporting a child recovering from a traumatic event Next resource: Taking care of yourself

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