Taking care of yourself
It is completely normal for parents to feel guilty or upset after their child's traumatic event.
Many parents feel a sense of guilt and self-blame after a child’s scary experience. This can be about not being able to prevent the accident or other traumatic event, the child’s physical injury and hospital experience, or not knowing how to help your child.
This can mean that you may be having worrisome and unhelpful thoughts yourself (e.g., for example ‘I should have…’, ‘I could have…’, ‘Why did I not...?’)
It is natural to want to protect your child and feel deeply upset when they experience something frightening or are distressed. However, parents are likely to overestimate their ability to prevent unpredictable events.
The most important thing here is to be aware when your own thoughts may be becoming unhelpful.
If they are, you may need to:
Seek support from loved ones or your support network
Talk through how you are feeling.
Make sense of and rationalise your own unhelpful thoughts.
Reframing unhelpful thoughts., for example, “It’s all my fault”, or “She will not be the same again”) into more helpful thoughts, for example, “This was out of my control and I could not have predicted this. But it is over, and we can move on”, or “She is going through a difficult time but she will heal and get better with time”.
Focusing on progress and ‘little wins’, for example facing fears or your child’s physical health improving.
Make some time for yourself to do something you enjoy.
Trying to stick to your usual routine as much as possible.
Ask for practical help if you need for example, with cooking, cleaning, childcare and so on.
Try not to take on too much - no one expects you to be a child therapist.
Taking care of your own emotions and mental health can reduce the chance of these unhelpful behaviours and thoughts from slipping through and allow you to sensitively respond to your child’s needs.
How might my child’s traumatic experience affect me?
Even if you weren’t there at the time, your child’s traumatic experience may affect how you think, feel and behave. For example:
Thoughts
Having unwanted and distressing thoughts or memories.
Intense nightmares or ‘flashbacks’ to the traumatic event.
Avoiding thinking about what happened.
Thinking you and those around you are very unsafe or vulnerable.
Continuous worry about your own or your child’s recovery.
Feelings
Irritability and/or anger.
Upset and/or distress.
Finding it hard to feel happy.
Behaviour
When can I expect to return to normal?
It can vary. You may find that:
You feel back to normal very quickly.
You experience some of the reactions described but, things start to improve within a few weeks or months.
You are so upset by your child’s traumatic experience that your distress starts to interfere with your life. For example, you may be unable to go to work, orstop your child taking part in activities or sports for fear they will come to harm.
Your difficulties do not go away and/or become worse with time.
What if my difficulties are getting in the way of day-to-day activities?
A ‘wait-and-see’ period of four weeks is usually recommended to give time for things to settle down on their own. Seek help or advice from your GP if you:
Are still feeling very distressed after four weeks.
Are finding that your reactions are getting in the way of things you usually do or enjoy.
Are not seeing any signs of improvement in your reactions.
Parents can be strongly affected when something serious happens to their child. Although it is natural to want to put your child first, it is important to get help for yourself if you need it.
Will my reactions affect my child – and should I put on a brave face?
There is no clear answer to this, but being upset about what happened is normal. If your child sees you are upset or angry:
Reassure them that it is okay to feel upset sometimes but that you are doing okay.
Explain why you are upset and tell them you should feel better soon.
Even if you are extremely distressed, it doesn’t follow that your child is struggling too. If you think your own feelings could be making you more worried about your child, check with others how they think your child is coping.