Identify what your child is feeling: “What are you feeling? Can you point to where you are feeling this in your body, please?”
Acknowledge and validate the feeling: “Your hands are feeling shaky – that can’t feel very nice.”
Move onto another activity for example play a game or do an activity together.
Managing difficult feelings
This section covers how you can help your child manage difficult emotions or behaviours. We look at supporting your child through anxiety and worry, nightmares and difficulty sleeping, and anger, defiance and tantrums.
The key is to ensure that your child is supported, has a safe space to be upset and display emotions within limits, and to reassure them that there is no current danger.
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Anxiety
Anxiety can have many physical and physiological signs. If your child is experiencing anxiety, you might see them:
Developing new fears since the event.
Becoming very upset when something causes memories of the event.
Constantly looking for possible threats, being easily startled.
Intense ongoing fear.
Physical symptoms, for example heart racing, sweating, palpitations.
Difficulty sleeping.
For example, your child may have experienced a car accident and have a fear around crossing the road or getting into a car. Or they may seem ‘on edge’ or ‘on the lookout’.
Why is my child feeling worried?
Anxiety/feeling worried is a normal part of recovery from a scary incident.
After such experiences, the brain can interpret things connected to the event, or everyday triggers, as if they are directly related to the event.
Feeling on edge, afraid or worried is the brain’s way of anticipating future danger and protecting one- self.
But worrying can be helpful or unhelpful.
Helpful: wearing a helmet whilst cycling, travelling safely, and crossing the road, being aware of one’s surroundings.
Unhelpful: being very afraid of going to school, refusing to leave the house.
Your child may not even be aware that something has triggered a trauma-related fear, and it may seem that emotions or feelings have come on suddenly.
How can I help my child with their worries?
Be patient with your child and comfort them.
The important things to remind your child are:
The scary event has passed.
The world has not changed.
They are safe.
And the more we face our fears, the more our brain can learn that we are safe.
Whilst it is normal to want to keep your child safe, and it may be difficult to see them face their fears and feel upset the first few times, too much protection and avoidance of reminders can make it more difficult to get over feeling scared.
Click on the image below to see some things to keep in mind and what you can say to your child:
What if my child gets overwhelmed?
Whilst ‘having a go’ at facing fears is the best thing for your child’s psychological recovery, there are techniques you can encourage in the moments when these emotions may be ‘bubbling up’ in.
Your child may experience some really intense physical symptoms, for example:
Racing heart
Sweaty palms
Upset tummy
Intense ‘butterflies’ in their stomach
Feeling hot
These symptoms can be really uncomfortable and can lead to more anxiety themselves. Your child may think there is something physically wrong with them, or that something bad will actually happen.
It is important to acknowledge your child’s symptoms and remind your child that:
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with them.
These feelings are normal if you have experienced something frightening.
There is no evidence that something bad will happen.
These feelings will pass.
Shifting your child’s focus away from the physical sensations can interrupt the cycle of fear where the physical feelings themselves may lead to further worries and be seen as confirmation of their fears. Here are two techniques to help you do that with your child:
If your child has difficulty shifting their focus, you can try a simple mindfulness technique called the 3-3-3 technique. Sit down with your child and:
Look around and name 3 things they can see.
Listen and identify 3 sounds they can hear.
Move 3 parts of their body.
This can help shift focus away from any unpleasant fear-related feelings.
Click on the image below to save it and keep as a handy reminder.
3-3-3 TechniqueHow can I help my child relax
Relaxation techniques can be helpful and gentle ways to help your child calm down if they are experiencing intense emotions or feelings.
Physical things which can help your child relax include:
Going to a ‘safe space’ for example their bedroom
Providing physical comfort, for example a hug, if this is something they are comfortable with
They can hug a cuddly toy who they can ‘send’ their negative thoughts to.
A warm drink – perhaps they can help prepare it, and this can help shift the focus away from their body.
A specific relaxation technique is ‘box breathing’, or ‘square breathing’. Find a quiet, safe space and try it together.
Breathe in for 4 seconds
Hold your breath for 4 seconds
Breathe out for 4 seconds
Pause for 4 seconds
If they find their attention drifting – that is okay, you can encourage them to pull it back to their breath.
The ‘tense and relax’ method can also be helpful for physical sensations. This is a two-step process:
Tense a group of muscles and hold them tight.
Release the hold and relax the muscles as the tension flows away.
You can use different metaphors to help them understand for example, ‘stand straight like uncooked spaghetti and floppy like cooked spaghetti, and move from scrunching eyes shut down to tensing and wiggling toes.
What can I do about my child’s unhelpful or difficult thoughts?
If your child is thinking unhelpful thoughts for example “I will never be normal again” or “The world is unsafe”, it is important to talk these through and rethink them. Thoughts are really important as they can affect how we feel and what we do.
The good news is that you can encourage your child to ‘talk back’ to the thought and question it.
Is the thought realistic?
Is it based on fact?
Or can you replace it with something more helpful and realistic?
You can read more about how to rethink unhelpful thoughts here.
Nightmares
Nightmares are normal after something frightening like an accident or injury has happened.
Your child may experience nightmares relating directly to the event, including images or emotions, or they could be completely unrelated to what happened.
It is advised not to wake your child up during a nightmare – wait until it is over and then you can try waking them up.
When your child is awake:
Comfort your child and let them know that they are safe.
Use some relaxation techniques so they are more aware of their environment and calm down a little.
Try some techniques to work through the nightmares.
There are strategies you can use to help your child process the nightmare and how they feel afterwards.
Label the nightmare and emotions
Reassure your child that what they experienced was a bad dream which is now over, that what happened isn’t real and they are safe.
Ask them how they are feeling.
Reassure them that it is okay to feel that way.
For example: “That dream sounded very scary and it’s normal to feel upset after something like that. But it’s over now and you’re safe."
Put the nightmare away
Dream rescripting can be a powerful way to process and reduce the negative emotions felt after nightmares.
It can be a way for your child to reduce the fear associated with nightmares, so the nightmare can become ‘just a dream’, rather than something which may feel very real.
Sit down with your child and let them tell you about the nightmare/bad dream.
You, or your child, can write it down or draw it. Or you can stick to imagining it.
Rewrite the dream into something different – something harmless or even silly.
You can scribble out the old, scary dream and draw something new.
Or you can imagine ‘switching the channel’ to a new TV programme and imagine something happier. It is up to you and your child how you would like to approach this. This can be something fun and creative to do. There are no limits to how you can change the image!
For example:
Bad dream: falling from something tall, for example a mountain
Rewrite: a superhero flies down and rescues them
Click on the image below to download some TV screens which you can work on with your child.
Dream rescripting Dream rescripting (blank version to fill in)Anger and difficult behaviours
Some children may display difficult feelings and behaviours, for example anger, tantrums or defiance.
This is a completely normal reaction after a scary experience.
Often, children may get angry, break rules and have tantrums because they are scared, or they may not be able to communicate what they are feeling or thinking.
This can be difficult for you as a parent as there are two things to balance here:
Knowing that these behaviours may be coming from a place of upset and anxiety.
Setting clear boundaries and expectations of good behaviour.
Research has shown that effective parenting includes warmth and consistent parental control.
What is the first step?
Firstly, make sure that the basics are covered.
Has your child eaten? Are they hungry?
Have they slept enough?
Have they had enough exercise?
These basic needs are really important when it comes to preventing difficult behaviours like angry outbursts or tantrums.
If all the basics are met and your child is still feeling angry, it is important to remain calm and compassionate. Try to understand where they are coming from and be a soothing and safe presence.
For example, try these phrases:
It's okay to feel this way.
How can I help?
I understand why you feel this way.
I'm here if you need me.
What can I do about my child’s anger/tantrums/defiance?
Take control of the situation. Try to maintain a firm but calm tone of voice.
Once things have calmed down, you can talk about why they felt that way.
Tell them you understand how they are feeling.
Maintain previous expectations of behaviour. Communicate that aggressive or angry outbursts are not a helpful way of expressing emotions.
Do a calming and enjoyable activity to take the attention away from those difficult feelings.
Tip: It can also be helpful to praise them if they use self control to overcome these feelings or behaviours in the future.
My child is lashing out at siblings/others. What can I do?
This can be really challenging. Children may lash out at others because something may be bothering them, or they are experiencing some overwhelming feelings.
Sometimes these intense behaviours can be calls for help.
In the moment, it is important not to overreact. Make sure to:
Respond quickly
Make sure the sibling is okay
Help your child 'surface' the difficult feelings
Remain calm and try to empathise, for example, “That was hard. Your sister was crying. I can see you felt bad. Tell me about it."
Create a safe space where they can talk about their feelings, for example, "I wonder if it's hard for you after what happened..."
This could take a while and they may get angry, but it is important to remain calm. Your child should know that what they did was not okay, but they are in a safe space to talk through any feelings.
Building an emotional toolkit
Creating an emotional toolkit can be a fun and empowering activity to do with your child.
You can write things down on the worksheet and decorate it or create a physical ‘toolkit’ in a box and fill it with ‘tools’. These can be:
Things which specifically help your child calm down when feelings are intense (such as the relaxation strategies we covered in ‘how can I help my child relax’
Affirmations/reminders, for example “These feelings will pass”, “I am safe”
Physical objects which can help your child soothe themselves.
You can get as creative and imaginative as you wish!
Click on the example below to download a blank toolkit you can fill in with your child.