Supporting a child with depression

Guidance for parents and carers

Depression is a common problem. In fact, it’s much more common than you may think. Around 1 in 10 young people will experience feelings of depression, stress or anxiety by the time they reach 18.

As a parent, this can be incredibly difficult. None of us want to see our children in pain. But these feelings can be helped.

Depression during adolescence does not have to extend into adulthood. If diagnosed and addressed early enough, it is much less likely to recur in later life.

There are a number of things you can do, as a parent, to help your child through challenging times. This guide should help you feel more confident, informed and better equipped to support your loved one. 

The symptoms of depression

Depression impacts many young people. Yet it can be challenging sometimes to distinguish between normal adolescent behaviour and depression. While the teenage years often give rise to many big emotions, these warning signs are recognised by mental health professionals as the common symptoms of depression to look out for.

  • Irregular sleep
  • Decreased energy with a sad, anxious or low mood
  • Significant change in appetite or weight 
  • Less resilience
  • Decreased energy and feeling slowed up
  • Reduced interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
  • Feelings of worthlessness
  • Guilt and hopelessness
  • Risky behaviour 
  • Unexplained physical symptoms

Talking to your child about depression

Making time for a chat with your child is the most important first step to take. If you are worried about your child, it’s only natural that you will want to discuss your concerns, yet asking them how they feel can be very difficult. It may need some careful planning ahead to help it go well.

Keep it simple. Talk to your child on their level and explain that you are worried about how they may be feeling and that you want to help them.

Jotting down the things that you are most worried about can be helpful to make sure that your conversation stays on track.

The conversation with your child will likely only be positive if the setting and time is right. Try not to force or rush it, but choose a time and place to help you talk and listen to what your child has to say.

Stick to facts to begin the discussion on your child’s terms. Let your child open up to you, in the way they feel comfortable, without being judgemental of their actions.

Allow your child to say how they are feeling rather than give you a yes/no response. A good opener is “What’s on your mind?” and then seeing where the conversation goes from there.

You will likely be feeling many challenging emotions about your child. As difficult as it may feel, you need to be there for them. Although it’s crucial to look after yourself throughout this, when talking try to focus on their feelings and what you can do to help.

It will likely take a number of conversations to get to the heart of the matter. That’s okay. Take your time and be there for your child, at the right pace for them.

As well as carving out time for honest discussions, show your love and affection in the way that your child is most comfortable with. A peaceful and caring home environment can make a big positive difference to young people experiencing depression.

After speaking with your child, you may also want to talk to their teacher, school nurse or another trusted adult. You may also choose to ask this individual to keep a note of any concerns they have to add to your own written records. It is always best to be open with your child about this. Tell your child that you are planning to do this and include them in the conversation so they do not feel excluded.

Suicidal thoughts

If you are worried that your child is thinking of harming themselves or is feeling suicidal, it is always better to ask about this than ignore it. Open and supportive conversation can make all the difference.

  • Ask clearly and gently: “Are you thinking of killing yourself?”
  • If the answer is yes, ask: “Do you have a plan, such as how and when?”
  • If they have a plan, the risk level is higher. Ask: “what has stopped you so far?” 
  • It is important for them and you to understand what keeps them safe
  • If you think your child is at risk of suicide, seek medical help immediately
  • Out of hours help is also available

Asking young people about suicide is not the same thing as suggesting it to them. Letting them know that you care is better than not asking at all 

If they are having a mental health crisis and they need help now, find out who to contact on our get help now page.

Self-harm

If you are worried that your child is thinking of harming themselves or is feeling suicidal, it is always better to ask about this than ignore it. Open and supportive conversation can make all the difference.

Self-harm (such as cutting) can often be a coping mechanism. It is not necessarily associated with depression. Do not assume that self-harm is the same as suicidal intention. But even so it can be alarming. Take time to learn more about the reasons behind why young people self-harm and what you can do to help.

Coping with self harm

What to do and when to act

Talking to your child about how they feel is a big step to take towards helping your child overcome feelings of depression. An open conversation with your child may not always be possible, if their mood is so low that they are unable to function normally. If you are worried about any risk of suicide or self-harm, you should not hesitate to seek professional advice and support.

Where possible, it’s best to try and find a way to resolve things together with your child. Coping with depression is not a ‘quick fix’ and it takes time. Alongside your child, you can seek advice from a number of trusted sources, including specialist helplines offering confidential support and a listening ear.

Professional help is available to young people experiencing difficult times. School nurses and university counsellors should be able to provide guidance, advice and signpost you towards other resources and support networks. Some may also be qualified therapists. A school nurse or psychologist can also make a mental health assessment and can sometimes refer people for expert help.

Raising your concerns with your GP can be daunting, but it is essential to seek a medical opinion if you are concerned in any way about your child’s wellbeing. Take time to understand how best to plan your visit with your GP so that you and your child both feel comfortable and speak with the right medical professional for your circumstances.

Keep speaking with your child. Keep reassuring your child and listening to what they have to say to you. Depression is a common problem and it can be helped if diagnosed and addressed early. By acting and seeking advice, there is a greater chance of  these negative feelings and thought patterns being overcome for your child and not recurring in later life.

“I just wanted friends and family to treat me normally”

This is familiar feedback from young people experiencing depression. Try to keep family routines as normal as possible, maintaining ordinary everyday activities and planning small events and moments to look forward to and enjoy together. This provides positive distractions for your child. Other siblings and close friends may also need to know what is happening: normalise the situation by accepting it and supporting your child.

Finding professional support

Professional help is available to young people experiencing difficult times.

  • Seek specialist advice - When you contact your surgery, ask if there is a GP in your practice who specialises in mental health. 
  • Book a double appointment - This will give you or your child more time to fully discuss the symptoms and your concerns.
  • What will the GP want to know? - The Doc Ready app is a very helpful resource, designed specifically to help young people prepare for, and get the most out of, their first GP appointment to discuss their mental health. 
  • Mental health assessment - Your child may be asked to complete a questionnaire to assess the severity of the problem. The GP may also suggest a more detailed assessment is carried out by a mental health specialist (such as a young people’s mental health nurse).
  • Confidentiality - There are strict confidentiality protocols when it comes to your child and their GP if they are under 18.

Therapies and treatments vary depending on individual circumstances, and it’s important that your child finds the right fit for them.

  • Watchful monitoring - This is a period, prior to commencing treatment with antidepressants, where the situation is closely monitored for signs and symptoms to assess its severity.
  • Talking therapy - If there is no improvement in two to four weeks, or if your GP thinks the depression is moderate or severe, the next step will be a referral to a psychological service for ‘talking therapy’.
  • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - One of the most effective and frequently used treatments to combat depression.The therapist and young person will work together to explore unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviours.

Your GP is unlikely to suggest medication initially if the depression is mild. This decision may be reviewed, however, if your child’s symptoms worsen. Psychological help may be enough on its own to treat the depression but sometimes medication will also be prescribed if the depression is severe. 

Other ways to support your child with depression

If your child appears to be suffering, there are things that you can practically do to support your child through challenging times.

  • Seek our self-help information - your child may well want privacy during this time. That’s perfectly normal. Linking your child with self-help information and resources they can read and use at their own pace is a step in the right direction. If tensions are high, you can always agree to share this information by a text or email rather than keep trying to talk.
  • Consider your own mental health needs - don’t forget about yourself during this time, or overlook the ‘ripple effect’ that depression can have on your wider family. Make time for yourself and consider positive lifestyle changes and routines that you can put in place to benefit everyone. 
  • Look for peer support - whether your child is at school or college, university or even work, peer support is available. Kooth is an online mental wellbeing community and can be a helpful platform for young people to speak with others experiencing similar feelings. Most universities will have student run groups that offer peer support as well as university counselling, while in the workplace it may be possible to access a confidential support scheme, often called Employee Assistance Programmes.

What to do if your child refuses help

As a parent, it’s natural that you will want to help your child and ease their pain. Yet your child may not respond to you, talk to you or use any of the information you suggest. They may also refuse to seek help or to see a GP. If this happens, there are steps that you can still take to help your child.

  • Speak with your GP - you can still see a GP for help and advice for yourself, even if your child will not. A doctor or a therapist may be able to offer suggestions or material for your child to use in private, as well as provide ideas of things you could say to persuade them to seek help themselves.
  • School is another important starting place - pastoral staff at your child’s school will be used to dealing with parental enquiries, and they may have past experience in mental health and depression. Speak with a person who is already involved with your child and express your concerns. This allows them to follow it up on your behalf and offer some personal support.
  • Suggest a trusted friend or other family member - if your child is worried about attending an appointment - either with a GP or school staff - suggest someone who they may like to go with. Whether it’s a friend or family member, the important thing is that your child has a supportive face by their side.
  • Make them aware of self-help and reading material - there are lots of helpful available for young people, for instance at The Mix or YoungMinds, so if your child would prefer to read in private, that’s absolutely fine. Always ask what they think will help them most - they may have ideas that you are unaware of.
  • Provide practical support to lighten the load - feelings of depression, stress and anxiety can be reduced with the right environment. Being consistent with your tone and approach, and not ignoring or criticising your child, may encourage them to take action, when they are ready.

When to seek further help

Self-harm can be a serious problem and may be linked to other problems such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders or drug and alcohol use. If you are worried about your child’s health and wellbeing, you should seek further help. Support and guidance is available to you at this difficult time.

Visit your GP

Your general practitioner (GP) may be able provide medical guidance and advice to manage the self-harm. The GP may also refer your child to a community Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) where an assessment would be done and a plan made for support and treatment. Professional help is also available from school nurses and trained counsellors and therapists.

If your child is reluctant to get help, you can still receive advice from your GP. It may be the case that your child doesn’t acknowledge the risks or is unwilling to speak with a GP. If so, you can still make an appointment for yourself to discuss the situation with a medical professional. It is best to be transparent and do this with your child’s permission.

Admission to hospital

If your child goes to hospital for any reason related to their self-harm, they should be seen by someone who will talk to them about self-harm, assess their mental wellbeing and arrange follow-up where needed. If it is not clear whether this has happened, ask the staff about it. 

Possible future problems

Self-harm can be a serious problem and repeated self-harm is common following a first episode. Depending on the method, self-harm can lead to serious physical damage, including permanent scarring, the medical effects of a dangerous overdose, etc. Self-harm may be linked to other problems, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders or drug and alcohol use, for which specific treatment may be required. Individuals who have self-harmed are at higher risk of suicide than other young people, although the risk is still low. For these reasons, it is important where possible to tack self-harming behaviour early.