Book review: The Gift of Teenagers by Rachel Kelly

It was easy to read later in the evening or in snatched moments, due to the brief sub-titled chunks that make up each clearly structured chapter. This made the book feel like the perfect length, as it moves at good pace through the key topics on a parent’s mind (including those people are likely to shy away from). Kelly links together chapters and highlights where techniques and knowledge discussed earlier can be applied to a new concept being introduced. She constantly signposts to other relevant sections or, where necessary, external sources of support and guidance. 

I would recommend this book to both the parents and the parented. Firstly, Kelly talks throughout about being kinder to yourself and challenging negative thought tracks with mindfulness techniques. These are valuable tools for anyone, and I certainly benefited from this. Moreover, reading a parenting guide as a teenager myself has also made me reconsider the stresses on a parent beyond just the stresses I feel as a young person. The tips Kelly gives about having more constructive, debate-style arguments, rather than just rows, are applicable to us as teenagers and I really liked Kelly’s technique of using “I” fronted statements. Intrigued? You will have to read the book to learn this trick! 

The book also ends with a summary of the debate about the benefits of a diagnosis or not and I felt that my opinions sometimes differed from those of Kelly, but she explained valid points for both. Overall, it is hard to criticise this book because Kelly does breathe confidence into parents throughout the pages, including advice on having those tricky conversations that many parents anxiously avoid or hope to only endure once (such as relationships). The emphasis on being kind to yourself is always an important message, and it shines through in here too. 

For an overview guide on parenting, this is a fantastic option. Kelly uses examples from young people she has spoken to in research workshops and from her experiences of bringing up five children. I admire her ability to convey the learnings from these experiences whilst respecting the dignity of her children and their confidentiality. There is a lot to be learnt from these examples and it certainly contextualises the theory she discusses by bringing it to life, laying the pathways for parents and their young people to follow. 

Freya Gray, Charlie Waller Youth Ambassador

It aims to show how parent carers can develop positive approach to parenting teens through relationships and connection. It is based on a mixture of lived parenting experience, interviews, published research, and quotes from recognised mental health experts.  

It is not specifically a parenting mental health book as it concentrates mainly on what Freud refers to as “ordinary human unhappiness” although there is a section dedicated to mental health difficulties. 

The Gift of Teenagers is quite a long and wordy book which could make it difficult for some people to process the content. Busy parent carers and those in crisis, may not have the capacity to read the whole book but it does have good introductions and summaries for each chapter and across the six parts. I feel it would be more accessible for more people if the summaries included charts and visuals. 

Not everything is “about us” and we need to allow our teens to develop in their own way, at their own pace.

The author asserts that rather than trying to be perfect parents it’s healthier and better for everyone if we can be open and honest with ourselves and our teenagers, and instead concentrate on being “good enough” parents.

The remaining parts of the book provide an in-depth consideration and explanations across a wide range of challenges, potential pitfalls and opportunities as teens connect with themselves, their peers and the wider world.  

I personally found the later chapters around mental health and neurodivergence a bit too opinion-based and at times contradictory, but they do provide a summary and starting place for understanding specific difficulties. There are links for further support but sadly not yet for the Charlie Waller website and resources, nor the Place Network (for parent carer peer support groups). 

The book may sometimes seem a bit too optimistic, particularly to parents of children with mental health conditions, those in crisis, or with difficulties relating to neurodivergence; however, the information, advice and strategies are helpful and realistic.

Overall, I liked the tone of this book. I recommend beginning with the Introduction and Part One, and reading up on specific issues in preparation for challenges which may arise.  

I found the The Gift of Teenagers to be a useful book. It was a reminder of the hope and positivity of the teenage years and beyond. It was a reassuring read. It helped me to feel curious and reflective about my parenting of teens, my own mental health and wellbeing, and life in general.

Louise Engels, Charlie Waller Parent Carer Peer Support Lived Experience Partner

Drawing on her experience as a married mother of five, Kelly blends personal anecdote with interviews and research, offering practical suggestions throughout.

The book is generally well-evidenced, drawing from neuroscience, psychology, and social commentary, though some sources are dated.

Notable strengths include accessible explanations of adolescent brain development, balanced and nuanced discussion of gender identity, a thoughtful critique of diagnostic inflation in youth mental health, and practical, safety-focused advice on digital life, bullying, and substance use. Kelly writes engagingly, weaving in resonant ideas such as Khalil Gibran’s reflections on the independence of children, the influence of one’s own upbringing on parenting style, and Winnicott’s “good enough” parent concept.

Despite a brief acknowledgment of diverse family forms, the author’s frame of reference is firmly rooted in a traditional, relatively privileged family model. This perspective could risk alienating single parents and carers and those in less conventional family structures. 

Kelly provides a huge amount of information and covers so many possible interventions including dietary changes, communication strategies, lifestyle shifts, self-reflection exercises and many more, that while she insists perfect parenting is not the goal, the sheer volume of expectations could increasing parental guilt for some.

Some advice is questionable, such as recommending “punching a pillow” to manage anger, which is unsupported by evidence and potentially counterproductive. There are occasional culturally insensitive descriptions (“blonde, leggy, and slim”) and reinforcement of gender stereotypes. 

Kelly excels in practical, safety-focused advice on digital life, bullying, and substance use. 

The discussion of digital life includes useful insights on platform features that can exacerbate exclusion. There is the briefest suggestion to parents to put aside their own devices when communicating with adolescents. However, there is growing evidence of the impact of perceived parental/carer 'technoference' or 'phubbing'[ignoring someone in order to look at a phone] on the mental health of adolescents, which is also linked to their own problematic device use and even dehumanisation. Given that other areas of the book are well evidenced, this is an area on which the audience might benefit from additional reading.

The section on mental health conditions is stronger, offering practical decision-making questions and a useful service navigation overview. Nevertheless, suggestions such as sourcing private psychological support before psychiatric input may be unrealistic for many families. Greater emphasis on physical health screening for mental health presentations would have been welcome.

While chapter summaries are provided, clearer signposting with concise learning points and actionable strategies would improve usability. Without a coherent pathway, readers may leave with a sense of “too much to do” rather than a manageable plan.

Ultimately, The Gift of Teenagers offers a wealth of insight and useful reframing for those with the time and attention to focus on what is a dense read. It provides a panoramic view of current thinking on adolescence, peppered with moments of genuine warmth and wisdom. It may resonate most with parents in stable, resource-rich circumstances who have the capacity to implement multiple lifestyle and relational changes. For those in more constrained settings, it may be overwhelming. A more streamlined, resource-sensitive approach would strengthen its applicability across the broad spectrum of families navigating the adolescent years.

Sarah Ashworth, Charlie Waller Mental Health Trainer

References 

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/article-abstract/2833508

https://www.jmir.org/2025/1/e57636/

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352914825000097

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40894-024-00244-0

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0144929X.2023.2209213

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563224002462